Exclusive: The Real Story About The White House Party Crashers

White House: State dinner crashers met Obama

After the Secret Service insisted that President Barack Obama was never endangered by a security breach that allowed a couple to crash his first state dinner, the White House has released a photo showing that not only did the pair get close to Obama, they actually shook hands and talked to him.
As the White House was disclosing that the Virginia couple, Michaele and Tareq Salahi, met Obama in the receiving line, a "deeply concerned and embarrassed" Secret Service on Friday acknowledged that its officers never checked whether the two were on the guest list before letting them onto the White House grounds.

Now for the rest of the story: The couple's real names are Osama and Debbie bin Ladin. Moose out.

The Fugliest Woman I've Ever Seen

Yesterday I saw the fugliest woman I've ever seen. I won't describe her- I don't want to think about her that much. Just take my word, she was ugly with a capital F.

To make matters worse, she was wearing a jacket with an American flag on it. Not just a little emblem on it, the whole jacket was an American flag. So I did my civic duty, I performed a citizen's arrest for desecrating the American flag.

I called the local police to come pick her up, but they couldn't be bothered. So I kicked her ass and let her off with a warning. Moose out.

National Ignition Facility

In Hot Pursuit of Fusion (or Folly)

LIVERMORE, Calif. — Here in a dry California valley, outside a small town, a cathedral of light is to be dedicated on Friday. Like the cathedrals of antiquity, it is built on an unrivaled scale with unmatched technology, and it embodies a scientific doctrine that, if confirmed, might lift civilization to new heights.

The $3.5 billion site is known as the National Ignition Facility, or NIF. For more than half a century, physicists have dreamed of creating tiny stars that would inaugurate an era of bold science and cheap energy, and NIF is meant to kindle that blaze.

National Ignition Facility? I bet those guys are the fuckers who start all the brushfires in California. I've got a mind to go out their and KICK THEIR ASS! Listen up, you firebug bastards - you got a whuppin' comin' from me! Moose out.

Golden Retrievers

You know how golden retrievers are always laughing? I took a walk this evening and a golden retriever ran up to me. He had a big smile on his face and I swear he was laughing.

Well, I couldn't tell if he was laughing with me or laughing at me. I couldn't take the chance so I kicked his ass. Moose out.

The Official Scouting Report On Barack Obama

So baseball fans, what's your take on Obama throwing out the first pitch of the season? Right, it didn't happen. I wondered why, so I looked up the Official Scouting Report on him.

Here it is:

"No arm, no glove, no bat. Obama is a big talker who likes to spend other people's money. Avoid him like the plague. A real girly man." Moose out.

Geithner Doucheweasel News

Geithner Unwilling To End Credit Default Swaps

Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner said that he likely will not ban one of the key financial instruments that led to the collapse of AIG and a number of other institutions.

"My own sense is that banning naked default swaps isn't necessary and wouldn't help fundamentally in this case," Geithner told Rep. Joe Donnelly (D-Ind.) when asked about the value of the instrument.

Credit default swaps were insurance policies offered by AIG and other companies on bundles of toxic assets...

Yet he is still willing to dump hundreds of billions of taxpayer dollars to pay off AIG's gambling debts. The change Obama promised has not come to the financial sector. The doucheweasels are still running the game. Moose out.

Doucheweasel Of The Day

WASHINGTON (CNN) — Senate Banking committee Chairman Christopher Dodd told CNN’s Dana Bash and Wolf Blitzer Wednesday that he was responsible for adding the bonus loophole into the stimulus package that permitted AIG and other companies that received bailout funds to pay bonuses.

Watch: I'm responsible for bonus loophole, Dodd says

On Tuesday, Dodd denied to CNN that he had anything to do with the adding of that provision.

Moose's note: Senator Dodd has received more money from the financial industry than any other Senator. The runner up? Well, before he was elected president it was a freshman senator named Barack Obama.

Jimmy Carter And Obama Conspire To Bring Back Stagflation

Stagflation. Look it up in your wikipedia.

Obama's Change

When Obama was campaigning he promised to create three million new jobs. Now he is promising to "create or save three and a half million jobs."

Now that's change I believe in! Moose out.

The Helmsman

by Jack Bailey

He’ll steer this ship in any sea
He’ll keep her off the rocks
He’s never helmed a ship like this
But he’s clever like a fox

The ship’s cook is in the galley
Stirring up a witch’s brew
She’ll make the helmsman drink it
And she will drink some too

The Purser guards the strong box
Holding gold in many sacks
He was chosen over others
So dumb they paid their tax

The Bosun had credentials
You could take them to the bank
Then he showed his slippery side
And was forced to walk the plank

The ship’s hold is overflowing
With huge boxes of largesse
For people owed for many things
But the ship’s now in distress

It’s heading toward a deadly reef
The crew has lost all joy
The man they thought was Captain
Is just the cabin boy

Bill Gates Is As Buggy As Vista

'There's no reason only poor people should get malaria': The moment Bill Gates released jar of mosquitoes at packed conference

It was a show-stopping move by any standards.

Bill Gates, the billionaire founder of Microsoft and a renowned philanthropist, let loose a swarm of mosquitoes at a technology conference in California to highlight the dangers of malaria.

‘Malaria is spread by mosquitoes,’ the Microsoft founder yelled at a well-heeled crowd at a technology conference in California.

’I brought some,’ he added. ‘Here, I’ll let them roam around – there is no reason only poor people should be infected.’

Bill Gates is an obnoxious little geek who didn't get his ass kicked enough in school. I already owe him a bitch-slapping for releasing Vista on an unsuspecting public. Now this. What a complete douchebag. Moose out.

Although It's Been Said Many Times Many Ways

Police allege sacked employee killed his former boss

CTV.ca News Staff

A man has been charged with first-degree murder after a shooting at an office Christmas party in Vancouver Friday.

Police allege Eric Allen Kirkpatrick, 61, opened fire at the TallGrass Distribution Ltd Christmas party, killing Benjamin David Banky, 40.

"Merry Christmas, boss. Eat lead." Moose out.

Designer Vaginas

Australian doctors warn against 'designer vagina' craze

Aug 1 10:54 AM US/Eastern

Australian doctors have raised concerns about clinics offering vaginal cosmetic surgery, warning the trend towards so-called "designer vaginas" may be exploiting vulnerable women.

The Royal Australian and New Zealand College of Obstetricians and Gynaecologists said procedures being offered included "vaginal rejuvenation, revirgination, designer vaginoplasty and G-spot amplification".

Remember when all women wanted was a new kitchen, or a new bathroom? Actually, I overheard two women talking about this the other day.

"I've decided to get my cunt remodeled."
"Oh yeah? What are you gonna do?"
"I'm gonna put in one of those big screen TVs and stereo - with surround sound. And new carpeting."

More on this story as it develops. Moose out.

Couch Potato Gets Mashed!

Woman kills husband with pull-out couch

ST PETERSBURG - A Russian woman in St. Petersburg killed her drunk husband with a folding couch, Russian media reported on Wednesday.

St. Petersburg's Channel Five said the man's wife, upset with her husband for being drunk and refusing to get up, kicked a handle after an argument, activating a mechanism that folds the couch up against a wall.

The couch, which doubles as a bed, folds up automatically in order to save space. The man fell between the mattress and the back of the couch, Channel Five quoted emergency workers as saying.

Moose's Note: At least he died doing what he loved.

Dad Uses Toddler As Shield Against Cop's Taser

LAPORTE, Ind. (Post-Tribune) ― With a Taser pointed at him, a LaPorte man barricaded inside his home grabbed his 2-year-old daughter early Tuesday and used her as a shield.

"Honey, you just have to take one for the team." Moose out.

Stop!

Stop! -In the name of love.

This foolish game of love.

Chicom Bastard News

Chinese Spy 'Slept' In U.S. for 2 Decades
Espionage Network Said to Be Growing

By Joby Warrick and Carrie Johnson
Washington Post Staff Writers
Thursday, April 3, 2008; A01

Prosecutors called Chi Mak the "perfect sleeper agent," though he hardly looked the part. For two decades, the bespectacled Chinese-born engineer lived quietly with his wife in a Los Angeles suburb, buying a house and holding a steady job with a U.S. defense contractor, which rewarded him with promotions and a security clearance. Colleagues remembered him as a hard worker who often took paperwork home at night.

Eventually, Mak's job gave him access to sensitive plans for Navy ships, submarines and weapons. These he secretly copied and sent via courier to China -- fulfilling a mission that U.S. officials say he had been planning since the 1970s.

Mak was sentenced last week to 24 1/2 years in prison by a federal judge who described the lengthy term as a warning to China not to "send agents here to steal America's military secrets." But it may already be too late: According to U.S. intelligence and Justice Department officials, the Mak case represents only a small facet of an intelligence-gathering operation that has long been in place and is growing in size and sophistication.

Jeezus Christ, what's wrong with our military contractors? Hiring immigrants from a hostile nation? We should find whoever hired that Chicom bastard and shoot him. Hell, shoot 'em both. Moose out.

I Want You!

I WANT YOU

for the war on China

I Love A Happy Ending

Rabbi Alleges Attack: Men Chanted 'Allah Akhbar'

BROOKLYN (CBS) ― A Brooklyn rabbi is speaking out after a scary encounter with a man accused of snatching his yarmulke off his head.

The case is against 18-year old Ali Hussein, accused of snatching Ohana's yarmulke last week inside a park slope subway station. It was an offense Ohana says he couldn't let pass. "I decided to chase him to get my yarmulke back," Ohana said.

Rabbi Ohana says as he ran back down the station's stairs two of Hussein's friends got up from this bench and chased him out of the station.

"They were screaming 'Allah Akhbar (God is great) and punching my face," Ohana said. But Ohana says things came to a head when Hussein was hit by a car as he ran out onto Fourth Avenue. (Moose's Note: Too bad it wasn't a steamroller.)

Not for Rabbi Ohana, who says despite the fact Hussein was injured, he still wants him prosecuted to fullest extent of the law. Hussein is charged with grand larceny, petty larceny and criminal possession of stolen property. Prosecutors expect more charges will be filed.

You Light Up My Life News

Man arrested for 'having sex with lamp-post'

A 32-year-old man has been arrested in Wiltshire for allegedly simulating a sex act with a lamp-post.

A police spokesman said officers were called to a road in the town of Westbury on February 16 after they received a report of a man acting indecently outside a block of flats "occupied by several young women".
When they arrived they arrested him on suspicion of outraging public decency.

I bet it was Simon Cowell. That's the sort of creepy thing he'd do. Moose out.

Things To Do On American Airlines

Woman files lawsuit against AMR because passenger next to her masturbated while she slept

A 21-year-old Harris County woman filed a $200,000 lawsuit against American Airlines alleging employees on a flight to Los Angeles from Dallas/Fort Worth Airport failed to protect her while she slept from another passenger who masturbated to her and ejaculated in her hair, according to a lawsuit she filed last week in Tarrant County.

So was that a blooper or a practical joke? Moose out.

Death Camp For Cats

Olympics clean-up Chinese style: Inside Beijing's shocking death camp for cats

Thousands of pet cats in Beijing are being abandoned by their owners and sent to die in secretive government pounds as China mounts an aggressive drive to clean up the capital in preparation for the Olympic Games.

Hundreds of cats a day are being rounded and crammed into cages so small they cannot even turn around.

Then they are trucked to what animal welfare groups describe as death camps on the edges of the city.

Yes. The technical term for this is "Peking Duck." Moose out.

Dude! Where's My Kidney?

Revealed: Secret operating theatre of the Indian 'Dr Horror' who sold organs to Westerners

An illegal kidney transplant racket in which poor people were lured to a luxury "underworld" operating theatre so their organs could be sold to wealthy Westerners has been smashed by police in India.

Up to 500 kidneys are said to have been sold at vast profit over the past decade to four doctors operating from a so-called "House of Horrors", a private house in the booming IT city of Gurgaon, on the outside Delhi.

Labourers, who are drawn to the town from surrounding villages looking for work, went to the house with promises of a job but are alleged to have been duped or forced at gunpoint to sell their kidney.

The scandal - code named "Operation Killer Kidney" by police - has gripped and horrified India with those living near the house claiming they saw streams of blood running from the building into the gutters.

More than 50 medical officials are said to have been involved and last night the surgeon alleged to have headed the racket, Dr Amal Kumar, was on the run after detectives believed he received a tip-off allowing him to escape the police raid.

Dubbed "Dr Horror" and "The Organ Snatcher" in India, police are checking to see whether he has slipped out of the country as he has contacts in Britain and Saudi Arabia.

That's a kidney? You didn't get any onions with that. I'd send that back if I were you. (Okay, I stole that line from Groucho Marx in Horsefeathers). Moose out.

Dr. Strangelove News

Pre-emptive nuclear strike a key option, Nato told

Ian Traynor in Brussels

Tuesday January 22, 2008

The west must be ready to resort to a pre-emptive nuclear attack to try to halt the "imminent" spread of nuclear and other weapons of mass destruction, according to a radical manifesto for a new Nato by five of the west's most senior military officers and strategists.

Calling for root-and-branch reform of Nato and a new pact drawing the US, Nato and the European Union together in a "grand strategy" to tackle the challenges of an increasingly brutal world, the former armed forces chiefs from the US, Britain, Germany, France and the Netherlands insist that a "first strike" nuclear option remains an "indispensable instrument" since there is "simply no realistic prospect of a nuclear-free world".

The authors - General John Shalikashvili, the former chairman of the US joint chiefs of staff and Nato's ex-supreme commander in Europe, General Klaus Naumann, Germany's former top soldier and ex-chairman of Nato's military committee, General Henk van den Breemen, a former Dutch chief of staff, Admiral Jacques Lanxade, a former French chief of staff, and Lord Inge, field marshal and ex-chief of the general staff and the defence staff in the UK - paint an alarming picture of the threats and challenges confronting the west in the post-9/11 world and deliver a withering verdict on the ability to cope.

This is absolute insanity, but it fits in with other US policy moves aimed at Russia: the expansion of Nato to former Soviet Republics and Warsaw Pact nations, Bush's withdrawal from the antiballistic missile treaty, the proposal to station antiballistic missiles in Poland, and the invasion of Kosovo.

The US should be withdrawing from Nato, not using it to provoke a nuclear war with Russia. And Shalikashvili should be court-martialled. Moose out.

Doucheweasel News

Smelly Davos unveils new world odor

DAVOS, Switzerland (CNN) -- If there's a sweet smell at this year's Global Economic Forum, it's unlikely to be success.

With troubled markets threatening to leave an unpleasant stink over proceedings, this year's Davos summit has enlisted the help of a perfumer to ensure gathered world leaders and business chiefs don't turn up their noses.

Christophe Laudamiel, a scientist who stirs up scent cocktails for New York-based International Flavors and Fragrances has spent the past six months developing a range of odors he hopes will help delegates tackle the financial meltdown.

How ironic. Now that those greedy bastards who engineered the subprime crisis are having their annual meeting, they can't even stand the smell of each other without a perfume shower. Well, I have a message for those doucheweasels: you smell like shit because that's what you are.

Of course my little message won't do much good. I'm sure they are devising new schemes to transfer wealth from the poor and middle class to themselves, like always. And their connections to the world governments ensure that they won't be held accountable. Moose out.

Oprah Winfrey's Big Mouth Gets Own Network

Oprah Gets Her OWN Channel
Harpo Productions will partner with Discovery

Oprah Winfrey's Harpo Productions and Discovery Communications will begin OWN: The Oprah Winfrey Network, featuring her brand of feel-good empowerment. It will replace Discovery Health Channel in 2009. The new network will also include Oprah.com, Winfrey's popular Website.

Yeah, that's just what this country needs: More Oprah. Nonstop Oprah. All Oprah, All The Time!

Now she can run her big mouth 24 hours a day on her tv hen party while every postmenopausal woman in America sits on her big ass and shovels doughnuts into her piehole.

Is this a great country or what? Three cheers for big-assed women and their leader, Oprah! Moose out.

Things To Do In Superior, Wisconsin

Sex with dead deer

SUPERIOR, Wis. -- A Wisconsin man convicted of having sexual contact with a dead deer has been sentenced to nine more months in jail.

Bryan James Hathaway, 21, had his probation revoked last month for using alcohol and marijuana, lying to his probation agent, and having unapproved contact with a minor child and sexual relations with another adult.

He was found guilty in April 2005 of felony mistreatment of an animal after he killed a horse with the intention of having sex with it. He was sentenced to 18 months in jail and two years of extended supervision. Hathaway had just been released from prison for killing the horse when the deer incident happened.

And kids, you can try this at home! Moose out.

Things To Do In Des Moines, Iowa

Christmas Eve downright stunk for Robert Schoff of Des Moines, but he was able to laugh about it by Tuesday.Firefighters had to rescue the 77-year-old when he got stuck in the opening to his septic tank.

He had dug a hole and reached inside to find a clog when he lost his balance and became wedged."It wasn't good, I'll tell you what," said Schoff, of 4300 N.E. 27th St. "It was the worst Christmas Eve I've ever had."

The 5-foot-5-inch, 135-pound Schoff hollered, screamed, and hoped his wife, Toni, would hear his cries for help.

He waited for an hour until she walked by a window and noticed feet in the air."I saw these kicking feet and ran out, but couldn't get him out," Toni Schoff said.

She went to the house and called 911, and two Polk County sheriff's deputies arrived to yank her husband out.

That's what I call getting shitfaced. Moose out.

Dude! Buy A Sense Of Humor!

Chuck Norris sues, says his tears no cancer cure

Fri Dec 21, 2007 7:21pm EST

By Christine Kearney

NEW YORK (Reuters) - Tough-guy actor and martial arts expert Chuck Norris sued publisher Penguin on Friday over a book he claims unfairly exploits his famous name, based on a satirical Internet list of "mythical facts" about him.

Penguin published "The Truth About Chuck Norris: 400 facts about the World's Greatest Human" in November. Author Ian Spector and two Web sites he runs to promote the book, including www.truthaboutchuck.com, are also named in the suit.

The book capitalizes on "mythical facts" that have been circulating on the Internet since 2005 that poke fun at Norris' tough-guy image and super-human abilities, the suit said.

It includes such humorous "facts" as "Chuck Norris's tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried" and "Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits," the suit said, as well as "Chuck Norris can charge a cell phone by rubbing it against his beard."

Give A Shit This Christmas

YULEE, Fla. (AP) - Stumped about what to give that special someone this Christmas? How about some rhino poop? The International Rhino Foundation is auctioning separately on eBay four pieces of dung from the endangered species and will use the proceeds to fund conservation efforts.

The pieces come from four of the five types of rhino: white, black, Indian and Sumatran. The Javan rhino is so rare, a sample could not be collected.

Each piece is dried, mounted in a clear trophy case and marked with the type of rhino that produced it.

The auction ends Sunday and as of Thursday afternoon bidding had been light, with the top bid for Sumatran rhino poop standing at $500. Black rhino poop was standing at $255, Indian was at $250 and white was at $122.50.

And remember - it's better to give than to receive. Moose out.